Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. On Wednesday, the Catholic cardinals under the age of 80 will enter the Vatican Apostolic Palace to be sealed in until they have selected Pope Francis’ successor. They’ll cast their votes twice a day in the Sistine Chapel, going until one of their number has received more than two-thirds of the votes.
When they’re done, white smoke will signal to the world’s waiting Catholics that they have a new spiritual leader. On Saturday night, I was experiencing a kind of conclave of my own. I was attending a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends, and because I have a kind of sickness, I had locked the 13 people in attendance into a room in our Airbnb.
Each of the attendees was assigned one of the papabili, which means leading candidate for the job, and literally translates to “pope-able.” The assignment was based on “vibes,” as I explained it to this group of people, a number of whom I had never met before the weekend. There was a PowerPoint presentation, which, because I am a journalist and not a consultant, looked absolutely terrible. The assembled “cardinals” were served red wine.
One of the women, who is Jewish, was asked to switch the Spotify playlist to “something Catholic,” preferably involving Gregorian chants. The bride’s friends and relatives, who had not been warned about the activity ahead of time, were told to refrain from leaving the room to use the restroom until the conclave had ended and a pope had been selected. Coming out on the other side, I cannot recommend this experience enough.
Yes, the PowerPoint took me half a day to make. Yes, some of the people there had to be matched to real-life clergymen who have been accused of sexual assault or who were described as “lacking charisma.” But two days later, the bachelorette group chat is still going strong; apart from a couple of questions about settling expenses, most of the chatter has dealt with papal updates. (Our bride, whom I had assigned to one of the leading front-runners at the time, experienced a spectacular fall in the ranks after Catholic media reported that there were “rumors” of Cardinal Pietro Parolin having a health scare.
The drama!) Someone in the chat changed the WhatsApp group name to “Conclave live feed.” Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Which is all to say: My idea was a surprise hit. So here is my recommendation for how to host your own conclave and secure your reputation as a weirdo with the power to make your loved ones LARP as celibate septuagenarians.
Advertisement First, set a date and time for your conclave. Preferably make it between tonight and Wednesday: We don’t know how long the real summit will go, and your event will be a dud if the church already has a new supreme pontiff. Next, prepare your papabili list.
If you have no time, pull up a list from one of the many news outlets—secular or Catholic—that has compiled their leading contenders, and randomly assign people from your party. If you have too much time on your hands, learn some fun facts about the leading men and attach a loved one to them. Have a friend who loves to bike?
Give her Matteo Zuppi. Someone who’s maybe a little bad with money? That’s Parolin.
Someone who really lives for karaoke? He’s Luis Antonio Tagle. And someone who is a savant with dough?
You have no choice but to make them Pierbattista Pizzaballa. Advertisement You yourself will be Giovanni Battista Re, dean of the College of Cardinals and the second most senior figure in the Catholic Church, after the pope. (Technically, because of age-related rules, Parolin will preside over the conclave, but you don’t need to mention that.)
If you have opted to make a PowerPoint, paste your friends’ faces to the cardinals’ bodies using the crop feature; you must judge for yourself how good of a job you’d like to do, as you do run the risk of making it too slick, which would betray, to your shame, just how much time you put into this. Advertisement Advertisement Finally, see to the details. Encourage your guests to arrive in red, the color of cardinals.
(The birds are named after the clergymen, not the other way around.) Prepare Italian food. Consider making a full night of it by showing the film Conclave, which gets enough right to give the guests an understanding of the procedures and enough wrong to be really fun.
(You will disappoint your guests by informing them that, unlike in the movie, no secret cardinals can participate in the conclave, but improve the mood by informing them that secret cardinals are real.) You might prepare some fun facts about the conclave. Did you know that the longest recorded conclave took nearly three years?
And that 13th-century meeting is why they now get locked in? Advertisement Once you have convened your conclave, give your friends a quick and basic primer on the Catholic Church. The big notes to hit: There are more than a billion Catholics worldwide; there’s a pope who reigns as a kind of absolute monarch; the cardinals are “princes” of the church who are hand-selected by the pope; only cardinals under 80 get a vote.
Once everyone understands what’s going on, lock them in and declare extra omnes, meaning “all out,” kicking out any non-cardinals or roommates who are too cool to participate. Advertisement Advertisement Related From Slate The MAGA Celebrity Priests Are Having a Moment Read More As they get to know their assigned cardinals, encourage attendees to give speeches and mingle with one another—that’s how the real campaigning is done. Some cardinals can give speeches pitching someone else; that’s another traditional form of scheming.
Urge people to think about what their papal name would be, as the winner will need to decide theirs on the spot. In the end, you’ll do a secret ballot and go until you have a clear winner—or until you’re bored. (Ours ended when I, using my authority as gamesmaker, declared the bride—that is, Cardinal Parolin—the winner.)
Advertisement Advertisement If you do land on a winner, make sure to summon appropriate pomposity. You will ask: “Do you accept your canonical election as Supreme Pontiff?” Assuming they say yes, then: “What name do you wish to be called?” That’s your pope. Habemus papam.
But you don’t have to have a vote if that seems like too much work. The important thing is that you bring BuzzFeed-quiz-style energy to a solemn and holy ritual with significant implications for the spiritual lives of millions of people. Allow me to vouch for this from my own Catholic upbringing: This isn’t—or at least shouldn’t be—offensive.
The conclave is exciting! There’s a reason the best religious dramas (and horror movies) involve the Catholic Church; the rituals and aesthetics are stellar. Every Catholic I know has some pride about this fact.
The death of a pope—particularly one as beloved as Francis—is a reason for global mourning. But the conclave is as baroquely Catholic as the Catholic Church gets. This moment comes along only a few times in a lifetime.
We might as well enjoy it.
