The quest for true love is often disappointing and disillusioning. In the five decades that I have been working with people who are searching for their one and only, I have heard many tales of hopeless searching. It is not that people don’t try their best.

They read books. They listen to the media. They consult friends.

They go to seminars. They seek therapy to try to eliminate any dark places in their personality and behaviors that could arise if things don’t go the way they want them to. Yet, that perfect person remains elusive.

Source: Sam Edwards/iStock It is not hopeless. I know from experience that the clearer the beam you send out into the world, the more likely that you will reach the right target. That means you have to know who you are and what would truly make you happy in the long run.

You also have to be realistic about knowing whether what you have to give is what the person you want is searching for. It is also crucial to realize and accept that finding your person in the moment is not the same as creating a relationship that gets better over the course of time. What can feel so right at the beginning of many relationships most often disappears as the partnership faces the reality of presenting it to the real world.

Listening to hundreds of stories of those experiencing these painful sequential hopes and failures, I have distilled a list of 10 questions to help you determine early on if the person you just met could turn out to be your forever one. 1. Do you feel immediately at ease in their presence?

Many of the long-term, successful relationship partners I’ve known have told me that they somehow knew the relationship would work very early on. They felt they could be authentic and open without worry of judgment. There was immediate comfort and a sense of belonging and safety.

Lots of laughter. Lots of excitement to know more. Easy road bumps.

Deep curiosity about each other that never ends. 2. Would you be proud of them in the outside world?

Relationships that only work when isolated do not always thrive when they are exposed to a greater environment. You must be eager to share your new friend, excited for important others to know them, and looking forward to knowing their favorite people, too. And proud of the way you are with each other in front of important others.

3. Would you be happy for them to find their own joy even if it wasn’t with you? True love thrives on transactional fairness, but it also offers something much deeper.

Both partners would never want the other to be with them if being somewhere else would give them more fulfilment and a better life. Your relationship is to launch each other into the best life you both need, hopefully always with each other. Interestingly enough, most people who feel this way rarely leave a relationship that offers this kind of freedom within commitment.

4. Do you feel a sense of being home when you are with them? Many of the people who have found true love describe it as coming home to who they want to be and where they know they are treasured.

They do not take that as a right to do whatever they want at the expense of the other, but rather to make that home the deepest comfort for both. They may have satellite interests and relationships outside of each other, but always come home to share those experiences with each other. 5.

Do you trust what they are telling you about who they are and how they became that person? True love has no secrets. Stories must add up.

Past experiences make sense in terms of who that person was and is now as a result of them. Prior traumas and losses are openly shared so that they do not emerge unanticipated. A partnership that lasts and gets better is based on the willingness of both people to endlessly examine and explore their connection as it transforms over time.

There is room for challenge, but never for condemnation or humiliation. 6. Do you live in each other’s hearts and souls?

Relationships that last and grow are made up of two people who know each other deeply and recognize when anything goes awry instantly. Pain is shared. Joy is shared.

Fear is shared. Uncertainty is shared. Even when there is nothing one can do to ease distress, they are at your side, living those heartbreaks together as one.

7. Do you feel that both of you can be all-in to grow together? There are very few decisions that anyone can make that are without conflict.

Even deciding where to eat out, when to make love, or how to accept family and friends is rarely a hundred percent. All-in means that, once a conflict is decided, both people throw out what they might have missed had they chosen the other side. They do not hold each other responsible for what they had to give up in order to choose what they did.

8. Does the relationship feel resilient? Great relationship bounce.

They may have hard times, but there is no quitting without good reason shared by both. If one partner is down, the other lifts them up and vice versa. If they are both down, they hold hands and work together to come back up.

9. Do you feel seen, heard, known, and beloved for who you really are? They “get” me, and they still want me.

That says it all. People who truly love each other deeply know who they are and how they affect the other at all times. They don’t have to pretend to be someone they are not, even as they are working to be better.

Great relationships make both partners better people in their own eyes and each other's because there is never a reason to hide. 10. Do you know in your heart that they would always tell you the truth no matter what the cost?

That knowing is the basis of trust, which no quality relationship can sustain without. Truth is sometimes painful, but withholding or incomplete communication is always worse. When one partner is going through a hard time or conflict about the relationship, they talk it out with the other to see if they can work it out.