Baltimore Ravens linebacker Kyle Van Noy (53) celebrates his sack during a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Saturday Dec. 21, 2024, in Baltimore, MD. Could 100 men take on a silverback gorilla and come out victorious? Who you got?
Baltimore Ravens linebacker and former BYU star Kyle Van Noy declared if you gave him his list of 100 NFL players, he’d take on the gorilla and ride to a win. Special Collector's Issue: "1984: The Year BYU was Second to None" Get an inclusive look inside BYU Football's 1984 National Championship season. Buy Now This 100 versus a gorilla challenge made the rounds on social media this past week with an army of philosophers, scientists and media types chiming in, including Josh Holmes, host of the “The Ruthless Podcast.” But Van Noy may have made the best case on Instagram and X, a tribute-filled promotion of the NFL 100, complete with photographs of stars and his list scrolling in the background.
While most so-called experts would tell you the gorilla would tear the humans limb from limb, with his strength and speed, Van Noy presented his NFL buddies as if they were a third of the famed 300 with Leonidas at the Battle of Thermopylae against the Persians. Van Noy’s case was classic, top-shelf promotion at its best and it got a reaction from his peers. Van Noy put himself at No.
100 on the list. Well, because the humans needed a general manager. It could be one of the best takes of the week, if not the month.
“If I had to pick just 100 guys, I’d take the silverback gorilla,” said Van Noy. “But if I had to pick 100 NFL players past and present versus the one gorilla, I’m taking the NFL players hands down, easy.” No. 1 on his list is Minnesota Viking legend, the trash-talking scary John Randle.
“His painted face? Oh, the Purple People Eater. Sign me up,” said Van Noy.
Of course, Randle is 57 now and Van Noy is declaring his supposition that Randle would be in his prime for the big primate. Perhaps the gorilla would be a little taken in with Randle’s war paint and jawing right out of the gate. “I’m taking Vontaze Burfict,” said Van Noy.
“The first time I met Vontaze was at a party at ASU on our official visit. I need him. He’s not scared of nothing.” Van Noy would put Richie Incognito in his first foray.
“I mean, it speaks for itself. Need him.” He’d put out Adam “Pacman” Jones, Mean Joe Greene and John Henderson “because he’ll take a slap before playing games and, oh, he’ll take a slap from a gorilla.” He’d take Hall of Famer Ronnie Lott. “If you have to cut off a finger to keep playing football, you can cut off a gorilla’s hand with your own teeth,” he said.
“I want him on my team.” New Orleans Saints wide receiver Eric Martin (84) getting hit by San Francisco defender Ronnie Lott (42) Sept. 4, 1988. | Bill Feig,File, Associated Press He’d choose Tank Thompson and Taylor Lewan. “I just feel like the boys would handle business if they needed to choke him out and punch him.
I feel like there’d be really good camaraderie for the group.” He’d have Deacon Jones, Nnamdi Madubuike, and Ray Lewis, Warren Sapp, Mario Williams, Cortland Finnegan and his old teammate DeAndre Levy. “He was crazy. I mean he’d fly on (the wings) of airplanes.
This dude told me his favorite play he ever made in football was breaking JoePa’s (Joe Paterno) leg. I need that kind of tenacity.” Van Noy would feel good with Warren Sapp, Cris Carter and Lawrence Taylor, who he called the “smelling salts” boys. He’d take Jamie Collins, who he said is one of the top most athletic humans he’s ever seen.
“He’s done crazy stuff. He wants Antonio Brown and Brandon Spikes because Spikes “would knock somebody out cold. He’s done it multiple times in the NFL.” The army would have to include Monster of the Midway, Chicago Bears legend Dick Butkus, Myles Garrett and Jason Kelce.
“I feel he would be a good leader. I think he’d find a way.” He’d have Jack Lambert, Randy White and Haloti Ngata with Reggie White. He wants Cleveland Browns tight end David Njoku because once upon a time he caught on fire in a freak accident with a fire pit, burning 18% of his body.
“You can catch on fire and play football, I need you on my team.” Howie Long belongs on the gorilla assault team and he’s got to have Joey Porter because of his energy. Van Noy wants Matthew Slater. “Of course, we gotta have Matthew.
Matthew is a guy’s guy. He’s gonna say an unbelievable prayer. Feel like you’re better off with somebody who’s a man of God like that on your side in situations like this, going against gorilla.” Then there’s Mike Singletary.
Van Noy said this famous Bears linebacker would be custom fare for taking on a silverback. “Michael Singletary will knock the snot out of the gorilla. I mean, he’ll have snot bubbles coming out of his nose, and he will knock the snot bubbles out of the gorilla.
Gotta have him on the squad.” In a unique attack strategy, Van Noy wants former Washington Commander quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick because of the fur on his chest. “He’d be ready to go. He’ll go chest beat for chest beat against the gorilla.” Who would win?
Van Noy’s bet is on his NFL guys, hands down. He’d trot out his 100 and count on the gorilla being overcome with the innate power of mostly linebackers and defensive tackles in a blood sport that requires armor. But they wouldn’t have their armor.
And they’d be in the gorilla’s element. And the gorilla doesn’t need cleats or shoes and can jump from a tree, light pole, house, building or nearby shed. The gorilla is used to biting and tearing its food apart, dead or alive.
Van Noy’s guys take training table biscuits and steaks with potatoes and gravy. It would be a made-for-TV event. Van Noy believes in his Super Bowl ring-wearing heart his guys would prevail.
